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Monday 2 May 2016

My Friend Wishes me Happy mothers Day

From a very early age I knew I wanted to be two things in life: Oprah and a mommy.

I am my group's "Mom Friend." I to protect, love and inspire my friends. I am the one who reminds us what temperature it's going to be when we go out; I ask how their midterm studies are coming; and I have showed up post-breakup with ice cream and pedicure supplies many times.

In fact, I've been conditioned to be "the mom" of my friend group my whole life.


I believe this aspect of my personality came from two parts of my life that were established early: Being the eldest of three children I always an established sense of responsibility and care. And I've always had the "mom look" (not a fair description but one nonetheless).

I'm sure every Mom Friend's path to false motherhood is different, but mine was pretty simple. I was the chubby kid, pretty tall for my age, and boys always referred to me as "just a friend." I was only cast as the matronly roles in school plays, and no adult ever believed me when I told them I was much younger than I looked.

Based on my physical appearance and supposed maturity for my age, it felt as if there was a role people thought I needed to play, and, wanting to belong, I leaned into it. Okay, popular girls who won't invite me out with them because I'll "ruin the pictures," I'll still come over and help you do a smoky eye beforehand and talk you through your boy issues.

I'm happy to report my role of "mom" has evolved from needing to belong to genuinely wanting to help and nurture loved ones. I don't do this for validation any more, rather, it's who I am, and I've found peace with it. It's a part of my identity, rather than being a source of recognition for my acceptance within a community of people.

Pep talks and advice are my specialty, a la  Lesley Knope. I use what I've been through in life to try and help with whatever they're going through. "Learn from my mistakes" is my typical advice

The same people who get offended when people call their dogs their "babies" might be prepared to scream, "You are not a real mother!" True, I have not raised, clothed, fed or changed any of my friends' diapers. I am nowhere near as responsible as a real mother needs to be, around the clock.

I have, however, held a lot of hair while they puke tequila. And I think that counts for something.

Many of my friends call me some variation of "mom," though I don't know how that started. They wish me a "Happy Mother's Day" every year. Some even send cards.

Once in college, I got a Mother's Day hand turkey from my friend Justine, an inside joke that would take too much time to explain:


However, like some real mothers, as time has passed my cards have ceased and I instead get "Happy Mother's Day" texts. These damn kids and their technology.

It especially means a lot when friends (kids) who I don't see often, and who still refer to me as "Mama Chels," take the time to write something out and wish me a happy day. That's a feeling real moms can relate to, right?

It's completely unnecessary, but I'm flattered and honored by my friends doing this on a yearly basis. I'm not saying I'm the best friend out there and I'm not perfect, but it's nice to feel appreciated.

And like a real mother, I do not take the title lightly. The name comes with quite a bit of honor, pride and significance. The idea that my friends feel that level of trust and comfort with me to deem me worthy of such a weighty title means more than I can possibly express. I am proud to know my friends feel as safe and comfortable with me to consider me like-a-mom.


I'm certainly not the only Mom Friend out there. You may have found camaraderie in the #momfriend tag on Twitter, maybe even taken a Mom Friend personality quiz.



it absolutely melts my heart when people show me their talents and stuff they're proud of #momfriend

— claire ✨ (@ClaireHadford) April 26, 2016



My birthday is on Mother's Day again this year but I am always the #momfriend so I guess it's meant to be.

— Adrianna Mary-Anne (@ehdreeahnah) April 15, 2016

One moment that particularly resonated with me was during the second episode of the first season one of Broad City where Abbi was mistaken for a mom several times throughout the episode and got sick of it:

We all have our breaking points, Abbi.

I have seen proof of men as "Dad Friends" as well, so I don't think this dynamic is just a women's phenomena. The same characteristics apply: a guy who cares, loves and nurtures his friends. They're probably the ones doing the planning for getaways, making sure your one buddy stops after three beers and tells you whatever you need to hear at that moment, because somehow, he knew. Being a caregiver is not at all a strictly woman thing.

I don't know exactly my years of "training" will impact how I am as a real mom. I'd like to think it will come in handy during my kid's first broken heart or when they come to me in undergrad freaking out about getting a paper done on time. But I imagine the connection I'll feel with my own kids will be even stronger, and the fear of not protecting or preparing them properly will be more intense. (Now I'm worrying about children who are years away, on top of my friend-kids. Great.)

This year, consider wishing your Mom Friend a Happy Mother's Day. Even if they don't hold the official title of "mom" within the group, it might mean a lot to them to get recognition for their care. Same for Dad Friends and Father's Day!

Or if you want to use those days to honor your actual parents, of course that is up to you, and entirely worthy.

Just as a note to my friends: I've yet to get breakfast in bed or a spa gift card. Just sayin'.

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